thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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