She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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