I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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