So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Four minutes until I can fart!
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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