I could make wine with my vomit
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
