if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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