A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He kissed a someone with a penis
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
