I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
