it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
