I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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