Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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