When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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