i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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