She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
