i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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