can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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