My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
