Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
