If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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