you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think my vagina is haunted
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
