We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
