fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
