Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
