I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
