If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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