I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
