OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
