You made me cry and you don't even care
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Randomize
