I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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