Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
