Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
