WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
