I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
