Where are you?
In a non slutty way
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
