all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
