and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
