Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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