Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
