i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
