Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
