I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
this just has baby written all over it
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
