i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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