I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
