Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You're my little dorito
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
