i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I am one with the molecules
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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