i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
