I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Randomize
