I got chris browned last night
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
