just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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