The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
