The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
