I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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