I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
