I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
