Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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