No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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