He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
