i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
