just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Only a mothe r could love this liver
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
