Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
