Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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